A Publication of Lighthouse Consulting Services

Necessary Ingredients
So, where do we start to have empathy for ourselves and for others? Well, when we want to bake a cake or make lasagna, we usually look at what ingredients are needed. So, we’ll start by looking at the ingredients needed for empathy. I see empathy as having two main ingredients. The first is respect - respecting the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the other. Respecting the boundaries and the whole person of the other. It’s hard to have compassion for others, if there is little respect. It is the same for one’s self. It is important to have respect for yourself - your needs, feelings, thoughts and boundaries. That means taking care of yourself and your needs - valuing your feelings and ideas - keeping your boundaries strong, yet flexible with others. Patience is a big part of respect - being patient with another’s pacing and ways of doing things - being patient with your own pacing and how you do things. When you are patient, you are respecting the flow and the pathway of life.

Taking the Risk of Intimacy
The next is intimacy, which is a small word that means so much. The bottomline of intimacy is reaching out and risking the pain and perhaps rejection, that is part of human interaction. It means pulling down the defenses a little to connect with another. The flip side is intimacy with one’s self where you reach inward to connect with your inner self. This again, can be painful for the inner self holds not only all the light and beauty of your being, but also carries the hurt and anger of the past. A big part of empathy is accepting and caring about the bad with the good in others and in ourselves. Intimacy not only involves connection and risk, but also the willingness to experience the feelings of others as well as our own feelings. To have intimacy and empathy, we have to be willing to feel the pain, the fear, the anger, and the sorrow inside and outside of us. None of this is easy - it takes great searching and resolving within.

Self-Empathy
Now that we have an idea of what empathy entails, we can look at some ways we can have it be a greater part of our lives. First, we’ll start with ways to develop empathy and love for yourself. Create a list of all your good qualities, skills and talents as well as your faults, flaws and imperfections. If you need help, especially with listing your good qualities, ask a close friend for feedback. Then take the list and each day focus on a good and a “bad” quality. Here comes the hard part - try to love both qualities (easier said than done, huh?). Be proud, excited, and appreciative of your strengths, as you would be of someone else’s good points. Accept and have compassion and patience for your weaknesses. Again, you may need to ask a friend or a counselor to help you with this exercise. Self-love is not something that is modeled well in our society and families, so it takes lots of hard work and effort. Writing, art and music are all good ways to explore your qualities. Drawing, painting, collages, journeling, poems, stories, songs are helpful to describe and detail the process - the feelings, ideas and past/present events associated with both qualities. Try to see and understand how both qualities are a part of your character and needs love from you. This may begin to clear out self-hatred and allow self-love to blossom.

Developing Empathy
Once you have developed self-empathy then you are ready to work on empathy for others. A good way to practice this is by improving your listening skills. A good empathic listener talks very little and hears not only the words, but also what is beneath the words of another. Practice listening to others and paraphrasing what they say. This helps you to understand where they are coming from as well as validating their feelings. Try to be in their shoes - what are they feeling? What are they seeing? What is their life like? What have they dealt with in their life? Practice with a friend or loved one where you each take turns listening and validating each other. You’ll find these can be very deep and rewarding conversations. Empathy is a special treasure for as you give it away to others, you’ll discover even more will be given back to you.

This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling. Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2001

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, ext. 3. dana@lighthouseconsulting.org & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.org Lighthouse Consulting Services provides a variety of services, including personality assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, conflict management, workshops, and executive & employee coaching.