A Publication of Lighthouse Consulting Services
Boundaries have an important place in our relationships, our family, the work place, and all aspects of daily life. When there is confusion over boundaries, we tend to run into many issues that need to be dealt with.
What are boundaries?
The dictionary defines boundaries as, "Something that marks or fixes a limit (as of territory)". In essence, boundaries help us to determine where ‘I’ end and ‘you’ begin. Where are my limits? What are my needs? What are the rules or guidelines for our relationship? Some may resist the idea of guidelines... claiming that they are too rigid or stifling. Leading us to another question, why should we have boundaries?
Lack
of boundaries tends to create much uncertainty and misunderstandings
that can lead to chaos, anger and pain. Without boundaries, people can
feel taken advantage of or invalidated or not heard by the other
person. A lack of respect can grow in the relationship, and then
feelings of hurt, resentment and anger can develop and fester beneath
the surface. Yet, what are we really searching for? Bottom line: a relationship that is NOT
based on respect and empathy is a hollow relationship. One that is
without substance, depth or true love. I think we search for a place; a
relationship to trust that we know will be safe, supportive and
lasting. Boundaries ensure that.
What do we need for boundaries?
Communication - Boundaries that are well communicated can set the tone for a healthy environment where everyone clearly knows where they stand. This enhances honesty, trust, and an atmosphere where issues can be worked through. Guidelines need to be negotiated and clearly communicated so everyone involved knows what is expected of them. What are the requests and concerns? What’s ok and what’s not? It’s also important to define for yourself what is acceptable or not acceptable from others. Is there a relationship or situation that you are tolerating, yet underneath you feel pain, anger, disrespect? Then you may have not defined for yourself where the limits are. What is the cutoff point? If you don’t communicate your boundaries, then you are staying in a situation that is not healthy.
We
always have our options open when we communicate what we want or
need. A friend told about me about a simple example. She had some
friends over for a BBQ. She and another friend had set up the table
inside the house. However, others wanted to eat outside. Even though my
friend wanted to eat inside, she started to go along with the group
until her friend mentioned that she was going to eat inside, as it was
too cold outside for her. Her friend then mentioned that everyone else
could eat where they would like to. That made my friend realize
that just because she puts out what she wants, doesn't mean that
she’s stepping on something that someone else wants. We
don't have to give in or go along - we all have options as long as we
communicate.
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Lighthouse Consulting
Services
3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica,
CA 90403 (310) 453-6556