A Publication of Lighthouse Consulting Services

Tips for building self-esteem, one day at a time:

• Manage the emotions - anxiety, hurt, disappointment, guilt and anger - and don't let them take control. It's hard to try something new or make changes if we allow our emotions to dominate. That doesn't mean we ignore the emotions, but to work through them. For example, if you have a hot temper then be sure to take timeouts and don't allow yourself to say something in anger. Better to say nothing then to destroy, once again, a relationship you care about. If you struggle with high anxiety then get support to face difficult situations and take small steps to making changes. Writing, drawing, making collages or discussing problems with others are good ways to managing emotions. There are also many good self-help books on this subject, so choose what feels right for you.
  
  

• Be honest with yourself about flaws in yourself and others. Look at your part in those problem situations and what you could do differently. Chip away at the old behaviors and find small ways to change. An example could be pleasing others to control them. You could learn to be more direct for what you want or need. Or rationalizing one's moodiness where instead you could develop guidelines for minimizing the moods and how they impact others.

• Being the best you can be to yourself and others. As Abigail Van Buren once said, "The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back." It's very easy to be loving and kind to those who are loving back or can give us something we want or need. A good way to be our best is to look at our motives - what do we want out of the situation. What is driving us?
  

• Finding a balance between work, relationships and private time and not allowing just one to dominate. Many people depend so heavily upon their work or relationships to define who they are. It is important to expand our horizons by nurturing all aspects of our lives, whether developing a hobby, going to a play or taking a community college class. We need to be able to feel more comfortable with ourselves when we are alone, with others or at work.

• Letting go and forgiving resentments, anger and betrayal is vital for healthy relationships and a healthy self. It can be very hard to forgive, but carrying hate and sorrow is pretty damaging to the soul and body. Many people keep score on what others do or don't do in their personal and business relationships. This is very destructive and only deepens the wounds. Regardless of the offense, eventually it is necessary to let go and forgive.
  
  
• Forgiving and accepting yourself with all your perceived imperfections. Constantly beating yourself up for your weaknesses is not going to help you to become a better person. It sounds like an old cliché to say to love yourself more, however that is exactly what we have to strive to do every day. Some people have not grown up in homes where we have learned to love ourselves. Quite to the contrary, we learn how to obsess on our flaws. That needs to be changed and there are ways to show love to ourselves. One way is to take one weakness a week and make it ok to have that weakness. Strive to replace each self-criticism with a loving positive statement to yourself. For example, if you are overweight - learn to be more supportive to yourself. If a friend had a similar problem, how would you talk to that friend? Probably more caring and loving then how you talk to yourself. Strive to balance out the obsessions of the negatives with accepting statements.
  
  
  

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