A Publication of Lighthouse Consulting Services

Are you having problems in your relationships? Then perhaps conflict and communication is not being handled well. This article may be able to provide some ideas for healing your relationship with your partner as well as to harmonize your other relationships. These thoughts can assist you in pinpointing problem areas in your relationships.

Relationships commonly have certain conflict and communication problems that prevent a couple or even a friendship from relating in a healthy and supportive manner. There are four basic problem areas that people find themselves struggling with in their relationships.

1. Withdrawal is a pattern in which one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as tuning out or shutting down during an argument. However, if conflict is likely to escalate to the point of physical violence, then withdrawal is necessary to keep both partners safe. If physical violence is a part of your relationships, we urge you to seek help. The flip side of withdrawal is the partner who feels impelled to pursue the withdrawn partner. This starts an endless cycle where the more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws and on and on.

2. Escalation occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so that conditions get worse and worse. Negative comments spiral into increasing anger and frustration, hostility mounts and partners will often try to hurt each other by hurling verbal (and sometimes physical) weapons. Escalation can be very subtle - voices don’t have to be raised for this vicious cycle to begin. Softening one’s tone of voice, focusing on feelings vs. issues and acknowledging the partner’s point of view are powerful ways to short circuit escalation.

Invalidation is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other. Sometimes such comments, intentionally or unintentionally, lower the self-esteem of the targeted person. Invalidation is extremely damaging to a relationship and leads to mistrust and alienation. It is one of the best predictors of future problems and relationship breakdown for it is toxic to the well being of a relationship. Showing respect for each other, ownership of feelings and underlying issues and emphasis on validation is some ways to prevent invalidation. Remember that you don’t have to agree with your partner or friend to validate him or her.

Negative Interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. Negative interpretations are very destructive, in part, they’re hard to detect and counteract after they have become cemented into the fabric of a relationship. The old saying, “ You believe what you see and see what you believe” is very true of this problem. One who negatively interprets the actions of the other will look for proof to back up their beliefs. This problem needs to be confronted within one’s self, which can be very hard. To do this, first ask yourself, are you being overly negative in interpretation of your partner’s actions? Second, look for evidence that is contrary to the negative interpretations you usually use. And finally, ask yourself if there may be any personal reasons for maintaining this pattern. Perhaps you learned a certain style of thinking while growing up or maybe there’s another reason. Self-reflection can be difficult, but helpful in uncovering unresolved issues.

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