A Publication of Lighthouse Consulting Services

Now that you have had a chance to learn about the basic problems in relationships, set aside some time to explore the patterns within your relationships. Study each problem area and look at your relationships. Are you and your partner or friend interacting in these patterns? Ask yourself when, how, and why do these patterns arise in your relationship? What feelings are coming to the surface and are there any other feelings beneath those? Think about what issues or situations might be triggering these patterns and what you or your partner might feel you both are accomplishing with these patterns. Finally, where did you learn these patterns and how has that impacted the way you relate to others? It’s important to write down detailed answers to these questions. If you and your partner feel comfortable, answer these questions separately then discuss them together.

Additionally, effectively managing conflict is important to maintaining the relationship. First, take time-outs when an argument becomes destructive, and reschedule the discussion to a better, and hopefully, calmer time. Time-outs should be at least 30 minutes long, though some individuals find taking up to 24 hours to be helpful in calming the situation down. Don’t allow the conflict to become destructive as that can severely destroy the trust and love in the relationship. Second, establish a conflict contract between your partner and yourself on what is okay and not okay during an argument. Be specific in your contract. Some points to consider: No name calling, blaming, hitting, throwing things or threatening to break-up in anger. Finally, practice active listening with your partner or friend, where each of you take turns listening and paraphrasing what you understand the other is saying. This will help the both of you to develop empathy so you can understand why you each feel the way you do.

It’s not easy to look at these issues. In fact, it can be rather scary to look at the troubled waters that your relationships have sailed into, but I hope these ideas will help you to get closer to calmer waters. If your relationships are severely distressed, do not wait until it is too late to get help. There are people available to help you whether that be your clergy, friends or Lighthouse Counseling Services. Support from others is so important when working through difficult relationship problems.

The above article contains some modified concepts from the book, “Fighting for your Marriage” by Drs. Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, which we use in our Growing Together Workshop for couples. This workshop program provides specific tools and techniques to communicate better, manage and resolve conflict and strengthen problem areas of your relationship as well as learn to have fun and grow together with your partner.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2001 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling. If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com Lighthouse Consulting Services provides a variety of services, including personality assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, conflict management, workshops, and executive & employee coaching.

Lighthouse Consulting Services 
3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403 (310) 453-6556