First, it may be helpful to understand that anger is not the same as violence or rage or being out of control. For example, when someone explodes with anger, this is just one way - a destructive way - to deal with one’s anger. And there are many other equally unhealthy ways, but none provide the satisfaction we hope for. Anger is simply one of our basic emotions, just like joy and sadness. If we start by thinking of emotions as neither good or bad then we can change how we interact with our anger. What is important is how we do or don’t express anger. That is what gets us into trouble.

It’s helpful to get a sense of what anger is all about. One definition is that anger is a strong passion or emotion of displeasure that is excited by a sense of injury or insult. So, there is usually an element of hurt involved in anger. Injury and anger are the two sides of the emotional coin: We seldom feel angry without also feeling hurt (insulted, injured) to some degree, and we seldom experience hurt without feeling anger (displeasure, hostility, and irritation). The same can be true of fear, fear ties closely to anger just like hurt. One reason for this is that one can feel weak and powerless when feeling hurt or fearful, whereas one usually feels powerful and strong through anger.

So, anger seems to be an easier emotion to tolerate.

Another definition describes anger as a strong surge of feeling marked by an impulse to outward expression and often accompanied by complex bodily reactions. Anger is so insistent to be expressed that if we do not voluntarily express it in healthy ways, the emotional system will make endless attempts to express it in any possible way, including destructive and painful ones.

There are many different ways people deal with their anger, which are very unhealthy. The following are some of those ways:

Unfocused Anger: This is when we take our anger out on whoever or whatever is nearby. It’s the classic “kicking the trashcan because you’re mad at your spouse” maneuver. People may do things like beat up their car or yell at their secretary when actually they are mad at someone else. This kind of anger gets passed along too, like when the husband yells at the wife, who yells at the kids, who yells at the family pet.

Suppressing Anger: Another unhealthy way to deal with anger is when we stuff it down, bury it or mask it with other emotions. Suppression doesn’t complete the anger and in fact, seems to put the whole emotional system in a state of