suppression. Our emotions don’t operate independently of other emotions, any more than our organs function in isolation from each other. So when we suppress one emotion, then we suppress them all to some extent. When we suppress our anger, it may feel like it’s gone, until something triggers the memory of the incident that is the source of the stored anger. Then the anger comes to the surface in full force until we can bury it again.

Anger Filter: When we store up anger, this can become a filter between us and the outside world, which colors everything as hostile and scary. We begin to see the world as cold and unfriendly where we have to guard ourselves against others. This filter also distorts our messages to the point where others hear our anger more than our love or support. This filter acts as a wall that alienates us from others.

Anger Wants Out: No matter how much we bury our anger, it will find a way to come out. It may create a physical illness like ulcers or a mental one like depression, guilt or a form of fear. Somehow it will dig its way out.

Parental Influences: Just like many other things in our lives, our style of anger was shaped and formed by different influences, and being able to see those influences helps us to change our style. One influence is our family. Most of us learn our emotional responses from our parents. We start learning ways to act and react when we are very young. We may copy our parents’ and others’ behavior. If Dad yelled a lot or Mom bottled up her anger or Grandpa was always irritable, we may think this is how people deal with their anger and we may do likewise. If we were taught that anger is bad then we may deny our anger. Or we may look at how our parents handled anger and decide to respond in an opposite way, but not necessarily a much better way.

So, now that we have a better understanding of our anger, it’s helpful to become more aware of what triggers it and how we can handle it. The first exercise looks at the current sources of anger and how we express it. Make three columns, title the first column,”What I’m Mad About...”, the second, “The Way I Show My Anger”, and the third column, “Why Do I Feel So Angry” then make a list under each. In the third column, consider what is going on underneath the anger. You probably feel hurt, what’s underneath the hurt? What expectations and needs are being neglected?

The second exercise is to help you to explore what anger is to you. Write at the top of a piece of paper, “Anger is...” then list out your beliefs, perceptions, and concepts you have about it. What you believe about anger will impact how you deal with it. If you believe that one should never, ever lose one’s temper, then that will influence how you express or suppress your anger. Next, look at where you learned these beliefs and your style of expressing anger. Explore the roots of your anger and hurt by asking yourself, “What does this situation remind me of from my past?” If we feel betrayed by a friend, perhaps someone from the past has done something very similar. Past anger and hurt usually fuels current anger and hurt.

Now that you have explored your anger, what do you want to change about it? Write some things you want to change and make a list of small steps to make the change you want. Implement the first step and continue with that until you feel ready for the next one. Some small steps might include taking 30 minute timeouts, walking around the block, and writing, drawing or sculpting your anger out. The last step continues your exploration of anger, which helps to manage it. Journal or use clay, paints or collage to create a picture of your anger. Always seek support and a realistic perspective from friends, counselors or clergy when dealing with difficult situations.

I have found the following quote to be very helpful in understanding anger, “...if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another...” - Galatians. Don’t let anger take over and devour all that is good in your life. When we let anger consume our lives, then we lose the essence of life.

This article contains some modified concepts from “Freedom from Anger” by Dr. Roger Daldrup and Dodie Gust.

This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling. Permission is needed from Lighthouse Counseling Services to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 1998