By Mark Goulston M.D.
First
published March 19, 2008 at 
When your people are anxious
– and do you know anyone who isn't? –their minds
constrict. Neuroanatomically that
means that the middle mammalian emotional brain has trouble accessing
the upper human rational brain (which could put things into
perspective) and it takes everything in that person to keep from
throwing everything into the lower reptilian "fight or flight" brain
where they would do something impulsively that would most likely make
matters worse. A constricted mind is not open to hearing new
directives, much less holding onto or following through on them.
This is an important piece of information for anyone who must get
things accomplished through other people – in other words,
just about all of us. The more you talk over or at anxious people, the
more pressure you put on their middle brain and the more they will
close their minds to what you are saying.
Alternatively, the more you talk to an anxious person -- or even better
yet, with them -- the more you alleviate that pressure and the easier
it is to access their upper brain and open
their minds to you. Here's a critical point,
though: the approach you may think you are taking in a conversation
with an anxious person may not be the approach the other person
perceives.
How do you ensure you're handling these challenging
conversations most effectively? Pay attention to
the body language of the other person – it will tell you how
they interpret your approach and allow you to tailor your message
accordingly.
Indicators
that they think you're "talking over" them:
They'll leave the conversation at the
earliest opportunity because you're insulting them by treating them as
if they're not there. They're thinking: "What a buffoon, I'm outta'
here at the next break."
Indicators
that they think you're "talking at" them:
They feel like
you're figuratively sticking your finger in their face. They'll either:
a) hunker down in a submissive pose with their chin tucked into their
neck if they're intimidated. It's as if they're saying: "Please don't
be angry at me;" or b) they'll stick their chin out at you and narrow
their eyes if they're ticked off. It's as if they're saying: "You can't
talk to me like that!" Do this only in a situation akin to being in
overtime in the seventh game of the NBA finals where your players know
you respect them and you need them to execute, not think.
Indicators
that they think you're "talking to" them:
They'll nod from the
neck up as if to say, "Yes, that makes sense," and may or may not
follow through. This is the language of doing business as usual. Use
this as your usual mode of speaking.
Indicators
that they think you're "talking with" them:
They'll relax their
shoulders and neck as if you've moved over to their 
side and put your arm around their
shoulder like a loving parent or grandparent. It's as if you've told
them: "It'll be okay. We can work this out." This is the language of
intimacy. Aspire to this in matters of the heart and when possible in
matters of the world and work.
Your goal, of course, is to find that tone and approach that results in
your anxious conversation partner responding to you as you want them
to. The key is to keep attuned to their unspoken language –
the more attention you pay to body language, the more expert you'll
become at reading and reacting to it.
Mark
Goulston, M.D. is a business coach who helps competent people
develop courage and poise, because when you have those, people beat a
path to your door. And when you don’t, they
don’t. He is the author of: Get Out of Your Own Way at Work...and Help
Others Do the Same. For more information: http://markgoulston.com. Contact
Mark at: mgoulston@markgoulston.com.
Permission is needed from Mark Goulston to reproduce any portion
provided in this article. © 2008
If
you would like additional information on this topic or others,
please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting
Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica,
CA
90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com
& our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.
Lighthouse
Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including
in-depth personality assessments for new hires & staff
development, team building, interpersonal & communication
training, conflict management, workshops, and executive &
employee coaching. Be on the lookout for the soon to be
released book, “Cracking the Personality Code” To
order the book, please email reception@lighthouseconsulting.com
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