By Ellen and Dana Borowka,
MA
Ever notice that no matter what
you do, you can’t avoid conflict! It’s
everywhere - at work, at home, at that special social gathering or even
at the supermarket. Whether you are discussing the dirty
dishes with your spouse, that difficult project with a co-worker, or
your barking dog with the next door neighbor - conflict is hard to
manage well. And since we can’t ignore it, we might
as well handle it the best possible way. In this article,
we’re going to explore what makes up conflict, how we usually
(and unsuccessfully) handle it, and ways to manage it better.
Conflict
vs. Resolution
First,
I’d like to define what conflict is, so we know what we are
working with. The first definition is war; and the second is
a clash between hostile or opposing ideas, interests or
persons. War! That’s a big
word! Some might think that their conflicts don’t
rate up with war. Yet, just because we don’t pull
out guns and bombs, doesn’t mean that we don’t have
some casualties in our battles. Many people can go for the
kill when they feel hurt and angry, especially in our intimate
relationships. Other definitions include, an earnest struggle
for superiority or victory; and the state of those who disagree and
lack harmony. How many times in conflict do we
struggle to be superior to, and have victory over the another,
especially when they are acting rude? I think the
key phase for conflict is that we lack harmony, and that is not a fun
place to be at.
So,
what is our alternative? Conflict resolution!
It’s a way to settle disagreements peacefully by getting to
the root of problems and finding lasting solutions. Why is
conflict resolution so important? Knowing how to handle
conflict in a constructive manner can help you in relating with others,
like your spouse, children and co-workers. Conflict
resolution assists by promoting new ideas, encouraging greater
understanding, strengthening personal relationships and keeping people
safe from violent conflict escalating out of control. It
helps us to work through our issues to find harmony and unity with
others.
The
Three Components of Conflict
What
do you need to have conflict erupt? It takes very little to
create conflict. In fact, you need only three components to
have conflict flare up. As they say in commercials,
“It’s as easy as 1,2,3!” The
first is people. Conflict can occur between individuals,
between groups or among members of the same group. Anywhere
where you have people, you can have conflict. The second is
different points of view. When each person or group sees a
situation in a different way, wants a different outcome or has
different plans of what to do then you can have conflict. An
example that comes to my mind is the family reunion where conflict can
start easily, even over where to go for dinner. The third
component is strong emotions. Individuals or groups may have
strong feelings about the problem or situation. They may feel
a variety of emotions, like anger, fear, disappointment, betrayal,
hurt, and so on. Strong feelings can set the stage for a
potential war.
Mapping
Out Conflict
Yet,
conflict is a normal part of life. As I said before, wherever
we go we might run into it - misunderstandings with a co-worker,
dealing with a difficult client, or a changing relationship with a
spouse or friend. So, what can we do about it?
Something that seems to be very helpful is an exercise called the
Relationship Web, which maps out the status of your
relationships. Drawing a relationship web is very
easy. First, on a piece of regular size paper, draw a circle
in the middle and put your name in it. Then draw other
circles around yours and put names of those people that have an impact
on your life. You then connect your circle to each of your
other circles with a variety of lines. A straight line
signifies a peaceful and calm relationship; a slightly wavy line is a
relationship that has occasional ups and down; a very wavy line denotes
a relationship with many ups and downs; and a jagged line is a stormy
relationship. The lines of your web might look like spokes on
a wheel that attach to your center circle. When you are done
with your web, you might want to consider the following questions for
your relationships: Why do you think you have conflict with
this person? And if you could change some of these wavy and
jagged lines, which ones would you change and why?
Now that you have explored the conflict in your relationships, it might
be helpful to look how you handle conflict.
Common
Conflict Styles
The
following are some ways that we commonly deal with conflict:
Avoid or runaway from the conflict.
An example of this could be when someone refuses to address a problem
with a spouse or co-worker.- Pretend the conflict
doesn’t exist. This is when we deny that there is
even a problem to address!
- Give in or go along with the
other person. When we give in or go along, we deny our own
needs and build resentment towards the other person.
- Attack or try to win through
force or power with criticism, insults, manipulation, name-calling or
violence, which is a very destructive method to deal with
conflict.
As
you might imagine, none of these styles resolve our problems.
Rather, they worsen the situation - allowing conflict to fester and
explode out of control. So, how do you handle
conflict? Do you have a conflict style that you use in
difficult situations? Let’s look at some ways that
we can deal with conflict in a healthier manner. Since good
communication is the key to successful conflict resolution,
we’ll start there.
Elements
of Successful Communication
- Have respect for the other
person’s feelings and point of view, even though you
don’t agree. The goal to successful communication
is to have empathy - to understand why someone is doing what they are
doing and feeling what they are feeling. We feel that empathy
is the glue in all relationships. If you don’t have
empathy, you don’t have anything.
- Don’t take the
conflict personally, don’t let it under your skin.
Let the other person blow off steam, and be patient. Many
people say things in anger that they don’t
mean.
- Be a good listener! To be a good
listener, you need to avoid interrupting the other person, and ask
questions when they are finished speaking. Also, watch body
language to be aware of what is going on with the other person, and to
look for mixed messages. Mixed messages are when someone says
one thing, yet their body language is saying the opposite.
There is an old saying, “The most important thing in
communication is to hear what isn’t being
said.” - Unknown
- State what you’re
hearing. Use active listening, which is to paraphase what you
think the other person is saying. This tells them that you
understand what they are saying, and gives them the chance to explain,
if you didn’t understand. This is an extremely
effective tool in managing conflict and avoiding miscommunication.
- Use “I
Statements” when discussing hot subjects. An
example of an I statement is “I feel really hurt when you
snap at me, because it makes me feel like you don’t respect
me.” An I statement is composed of three
elements. The “I” helps us to maintain
our responsibility for our feelings or observations; the
“when” gives a specific example for the other
person; and the “because” provides our reason for
why we are bothered by the situation. I statements helps us
to avoid being vague and accusatory with others.
- State your feelings clearly -
express what you think without attacking the other person.
Don’t be hostile or use name-calling, criticism or insults -
that will only make things worse.
- Focus on the problem, not the
person. Look for common ground - a shared need - something
you both want or can agree on. This will strengthen teamwork
between the both of you.
- Are there any hidden
agendas? Is there something that is bothering the other
person that he or she is not talking about, that might be feeding into
the problem. Asking questions is a good way to uncover hidden
agendas, like: Is something else bothering you? Is
there something else going on? You look like you have
something more to say?
- Take timeouts to keep conflict
from escalating. When things get too hot, take some time to
cool down - at least an hour or 24 hours. Be sure to schedule
a follow-up time to resolve the issue.
The
Problem Solving Process
After you have had a full discussion about
the conflict then you may want to brainstorm with the other person to
find some ways to resolve the problem. First, set an agenda
on what you both want to focus on in the situation. Next,
brainstorm for different ideas to solve the problem. One of
you should write down the ideas, and don’t evaluate the ideas
during the brainstorming process. Sort through the ideas and
implement a specific action plan. Consider every idea and
think about the consequences. Then arrange a follow-up date
to check in on the progress of the action plan. If the plan
is not working then recycle through the problem solving process again.
Successful
Conflict Resolution Takes Practice!
These
are some tips to manage conflict in a structured and positive
format. It takes practice - so don’t throw it out,
just because it takes some extra effort. Conflict resolution
is not, by any means, the easiest thing to do. Yet, when we
don’t deal with our conflicts, they fester and grow
worse. It’s like when we feel sick and throw
up. Noone likes it, but it cleans out the system and we feel
much better. Successful conflict resolution takes practice,
patience and respect. There’s an old saying,
“Coming together is a beginning, Keeping together is
progress, Working together is Success!” How you
handle conflict will determine its outcome!
If
you would like additional information on this topic or others,
please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting
Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica,
CA
90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com
& our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.
Lighthouse
Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services,
including in-depth personality assessments for new hires &
staff
development, team building, interpersonal & communication
training,
conflict management, workshops, and executive & employee
coaching. Be on the lookout for the soon to be released book,
“Cracking the Personality Code” To order the book,
please email reception@lighthouseconsulting.com
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2008.
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