By Ellen and Dana
Borowka
I ’m sure
you’ve had times in your life when making a change becomes a
big challenge. Perhaps you want to change how you deal with certain
situations or a part of your lifestyle like your diet or exercise.
Change is very difficult no matter what we want to change. We start out
with good intentions then for one reason or another; we go back to the
way we’ve always done something. So, how do we make changes
that stick?
What is
blocking change?
Well, the first piece of the puzzle is
looking at what is blocking the change. Sometimes, we just want a
problem to disappear, so we make changes as a
“fix-it” solution. Fix-its are rarely good changes
as they are usually based on unrealistic or unreasonable expectations
of a situation or ourselves. Like those times, when we may have stopped
eating altogether to lose some weight or took a vacation to fix a
troubled relationship. First, it helps to take a realistic view of the
situation to be changed and have an understanding of the limitations
and strengths involved.
Understanding our limitations
For
example, if you want to change a troubled relationship, whether family
or work, one should have realistic expectations of both one’s
self and those involved. It would be frustrating and unhealthy to
expect to be able to change another person or control the relationship
to make everyone happy. We can only change our own behavior and
ourselves. It’s important to have a balanced perspective of
the situation. We can’t expect to make magical changes or to
‘save’ those around us. At the same time, we should
not try to underestimate our strengths and abilities. If you have
trouble evaluating the situation, then be sure to get feedback from
unbiased and supportive friends, counselors or clergy.
Finding
our focus
Sometimes, we want to change something that is so big that we feel
overwhelmed. So, we end up either trying to put band-aids on this big
problem or give up altogether. It’s helpful to focus only 
on parts of the problem and take one
piece at a time. For example, let’s say an individual
doesn’t feel good about him or her self. If that person would
try to change everything at once, he or she would probably give up. An
alternative would be to pick one thing to change, like shyness, and
focus on that first. However, whenever making changes in
one’s self, please get a realistic viewpoint from others. We
are often very demanding of ourselves and may try to change what
doesn’t need changing at all. This violates our true self -
our style and sense of being, because we deny who we are. Sometimes,
the change we have to make is appreciating who we are and that is a big
change!
What are
my motives for change?
Once
you have focused on to a specific and manageable problem, ask yourself
some questions about it. Why do you want to change it?
What about the situation do you want changed and why? What are you
expecting to get out of this change? At this point, motives
for the change need to be examined in depth to see if they are healthy
reasons. For example, if you want to lose weight to please others or
because you don’t like yourself, then there may be bigger
issues
at stake. Look at what is underneath the problem and ask yourself,
"What is really bothering me about this situation?"” These
issues
need to be looked at. Otherwise, the change would only be at the
surface, and surface changes do not last very long nor solve the real
problem.
Taking
small steps to change
Next,
consider one small step you can take to begin the change process.
An old Chinese proverb says, "The man who removes a mountain begins by
carrying away small stones." Change is much easier and less scary when
it is done in small steps. For example, to work on shyness, one might
begin by saying hi to the neighbors or the cashier at the supermarket
and work up to small, light
conversations with others. Then eventually
build up to possibly joining a club and participating in activities or
committees. The key is taking small steps in change, rather then
overwhelming, sweeping changes. A good example of small changes is when
I wanted to get back into doing artwork, but froze when I sat down in
front of the blank canvas. So, I started out with using crayons and
letter-sized paper, and just making shapes and using different colors
together. I told myself that the end result doesn’t matter
(lessening expectations and self-judgement), and what was important is
the experience of creation (refocusing on the true need). This made the
process less intimidating so I could get back to something I loved so
much. From those small steps, I moved on to using different materials
and techniques while feeling more confident in my artistic abilities.
Slow
change creates significant progress
Once
you have discovered a good small step - put it into action. Depending
on severity of the problem, one may need to start out very slowly with
the first step and repeat a few times for significant
progress to be
made. For example, if one is very shy, the first step might be repeated
once or twice a week, and work up to doing it daily until one feels
more comfortable to move onto the second step.
Celebrate
and record your progress After each step, celebrate your small step
even if you feel the result was not as you expected. Remember that when
you first started learning something new, like riding a bike, you
probably didn’t do it perfectly. It took patience, practice
and perseverance. Celebrate your courage, the experience of change, and
your desire to take care of yourself. It is important to celebrate and
appreciate yourself when you are in the change process. Record your
progress and achievements. This can instill a sense of accomplishment
as well as help to identify any further trouble spots in your progress.
Support
is a necessity
Most
of all, support is crucial during change. Seek support and feedback
from understanding friends and others. Find a friend who shares your
goals so you can help each other in making changes. Recognize that
change is very hard and scary. As I said previously, we are very
demanding on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be perfect and handle
everything with ease. In actuality, we are human. It is ok to struggle
and to be afraid as long as we don’t allow the fear or
obstacles to block our progress. Give yourself support by challenging
self-criticism, and telling yourself nurturing statements daily. Some
examples of a nurturing statement are, “I appreciate myself
for who I am” and “It’s ok to be
imperfect.”
Fear of
failure
Finally,
a big obstacle for change is our natural fear of failure. There are two
quotes that can give us perspective on failure. The first is,
“Failure is never final! The only time you can’t
afford to fail is the very last time you try. Failure does not mean we
should give up; it just means we have a reason to start
over.” (Don Shelby) The second, by Samuel Johnson,
“Great works are performed not by strength but by
perseverance.” We may get frustrated or disappointed, and
yet, we need to venture on in spite of these obstacles. Change comes
through with patience and determination to overcome the challenge that
has confronted us.
Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion
provided in this article. © 2010 This information contained in this article is not meant to
be a substitute for professional counseling.
If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human
Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa
Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website:
www.lighthouseconsulting.com.
Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style
assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training,
conflict management, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. To order the book, "Cracking the
Personality Code" please go to www.crackingthepersonalitycode.com.
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