Keeping on Track - What Are You Listening For?

By Paul David Walker

As a leader, what you do not hear or misinterpret can be the difference between success and failure. As a sales person, or in relationships, the same is true. Listening to what people are actually saying is the starting point of every successful interaction. Not understanding what someone is saying is like giving someone directions to your office before you know their present location.

As a CEO Coach and business advisor, I have learned many lessons about listening. I am excited to share some of those with you today. After hearing the lessons, the most important thing for you to do is practice. So I will also provide some exercises to develop your listening skills.

Listening to Tell Your Story

I found that in sales situations I tended to listen only enough to start constructing my story, or sales pitch, in my mind. I would even start taking notes, outlining my response before the client had finished talking. Worse yet, I was deciding which of our standard programs I was going to pitch. I was an excellent leadership consultant, but my sales effectiveness was weak. After listening to my sales approach, my partner suggested a three-day sales and listening course.

One of the first “don’ts” was listening to tell your story, which they explained is the first mistake of all bad listeners. Typical stories were: listening to…

Develop an answer … bingo!
To be right about your view
To tell your story
To judge the speaker’s story
Thinking about something else
Thinking you already know
Thinking about your next meeting

I was guilty of many of these bad habits. The fact that I was processing in my mind while the person was speaking prevented me from hearing their entire story, and so my responses were never on target. The lesson was: don’t think while you are doing intake.

Content is Only 7% of the Story

The meeting leader then asked: once you are not processing while you are doing intake, what are you listening for? If you are listening for content only, then you are missing most of the message. Studies have shown that only seven percent of the message is in the words or content. Thirty-three percent is in the vocal tone, and the balance is non- verbal’s.

In addition, people who are talking to you are struggling to communicate something they may not fully understand themselves. They may be repeating themselves to find just the right way to say something. So, in addition to not processing, I had to learn how to listen beyond words.

Connection and Rapport

I found that if you learn to intake the entire message, and listen beyond words, your level of rapport goes up dramatically. Most people do not listen well, and so when you do, you connect with people at a deep level and they feel heard. One of my clients said, “The main reason I work with you is because you hear me.”

In real estate there are three things that are important: location, location and location. In leadership, selling and life, the three most important things are: rapport, rapport and rapport. If you fall out of rapport and start telling your story, you won’t be heard and worse yet, you may be distrusted. No one likes to be sold to. Establish rapport and keep it before you present your story or service.

Integrative Presence

The instructor said that the simple summary of this course is that you have to be totally present while listening and you will naturally integrate everything. After three days of the course, I had a sales call with a CEO, so I decided to practice my new approach. When I walked into the office, since I was totally present, I could see both the CEO and the SVP of HR were in a bad mood. They said to me, “How are you doing?” I told them that I was stressed after driving in LA traffic. They laughed, expecting the standard “I am great answer.” They proceeded to tell me about the events that led to their lousy mood, and we laughed together. The CEO said in jest, “So we all agree that life is crap, at least today.” We were clearly in rapport.

I then introduced myself and asked him to tell me a little bit about his situation and why he had called. I then put all my thoughts away and I felt present as I listened to his story for about ten minutes. When he seemed to be finished, I asked if there was anything else? He went on for another five minutes, and then said, “How could you help us?”

I paused and then said, as my teacher had suggested, the first thing that came into my mind, which was a summary of what I had heard instead of my solution. He was visibly shaken and said, “I had not thought of that, but you are exactly right!” I had heard something he had not fully understood. He went on to tell the HR SVP to have me talk to all his staff. When I explained that I would have to charge him, he said, “You two work it out, but I want you to hear what my team has to say. I achieved rapport, “Integrative Presence,” and heard beyond his words.

That year I won the Sales Leader of the Year Award for our Leadership Consulting firm. The lesson here is that you do not have to consciously process your answers. If you do full intake, your brain is able to synthesize and say the right things.

There is No Substitute for Practice

Remember, your thoughts block your intake. The following is an exercise you can try with a friend. As you listen to a friend try to tell you something important to them, try the following:

Purpose	Practice
Notice what you typically think as your friend talks	Identify your habitual thinking patterns: #s 1-7 above
Realize your thinking blocks your intake	Verbalize your thinking while your friend is talking … notice the sense of confusion
Afterward, journal your thinking patterns to help you see yourself better	Practice being amused by your own thinking by telling jokes about your thinking to your friend
Practice letting go of your thinking as your friend talks again	This time, as thinking arises, practice letting go of your thinking by putting your hand up so your friend stops talking while you let go … then move your focus back to your friend and signal for him/her to continue
Next, test your skills at Integrative Presence	Listen to your friend without thinking and as soon as your friend finishes talking, spontaneously summarize what they said … ask them how you did
Long term practice	Notice your thinking during the course of the day and imagine you are speaking out loud like a crazy person might … laugh at yourself.

As you start to develop the habit of letting go of your thinking, you will notice a sense of integrative presence in yourself, as will others. You do not have to do anything but let go of your thinking. Integrative Presence is a natural state of mind that is interrupted by your thinking. Also, do not take this, or your thoughts, too seriously.

Paul David Walker is author of "Unleashing Genius: Leading Yourself, Teams and Corporations," a CEO Coach and was one of the early innovators of leadership consulting and coaching at the executive level. He has been advising the leaders of Fortune 500 and midsized companies for over twenty-five years. With this experience he brings a unique perspective that can be invaluable to leaders. Paul has advised leaders through three downturns and recoveries in the economy. He has lead turnarounds, acquisition integration, rapid growth, culture change and strategic projects to align strategy, structure and culture. He has coached and mentored leaders in the art of leadership, personal balance, and philosophical understandings that have helped his clients manifest innovative ideas, and he is known to be someone who sees and draws out the genius in leaders. You can reach Paul Walker at 562-233-7861 and walker@turiyalc.com or visit his website, www.pauldavidwalker.com

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